I'm afraid of failure.
Also, I'm afraid of success.
Where does that leave me? A lot of the time it leaves me immobile. It also makes me really frustrating to myself and the people around me. I have a bad habit of coming up with big ideas, getting really excited about them, half implementing them, and then talking myself out of them.
It's not a new thing at all. I thought I wanted to be a singer and an actress until I was 20. And then right before graduating from a musical theater conservatory, I got scared. Of success, of failure. And now I don't sing anymore, other than in the car. I can't even convince myself to sing at home, for fear that the neighbors might hear.
I was always insecure in front of an audience, but at least I could convince myself to do it anyway. I can't even do that anymore. It's frustrating, because singing is still something that I wish I could do more of. If not for a living, at least as a hobby.
It's that feeling of not being good enough. At anything. And, strangely, the fear of being complimented if I do end up being good at it. The fear of not knowing how to respond graciously.
The question is, then, how do I move forward?
My fiance and my family have always been supportive. I guess I just need my confidence back.
Or I need to find it in the first place.
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