Here's an update on this post.
Yesterday, I met up with the folks at the passport office. I think that because every experience I've ever had at the DMV (or RMV) has been miserable and frustrating, even when things went well, I just assume the same will be true of other government agencies.
The folks at the passport office were extremely nice and helpful. Since I didn't actually need my passport yesterday, they are going to have it ready for me Friday afternoon. No problems at all. As was explained over the phone, they looked at my passport, marriage license, and flight itinerary explaining that I'm flying out of the country on Saturday, and then they put the expedited application through, and that was that.
Today, though, I had to go to the RMV. I've been dreading it and putting it off a bit. Now, they told me over the phone that they could expedite drivers licenses if you could show them your flight itinerary. Stupid me forgot to bring the print-out the first time, and assumed they could just look at my phone, but after waiting 45 minutes to see someone, I was sent away with nothing. Off to FedEx I went to re-print my itinerary, then back to the RMV... for another hour-long wait. When I got to the counter, the girl working was actually really nice, if not the sharpest of tacks (she asked me where Copenhagen was, and looked utterly confused when I said "Denmark"... I assume she wasn't sure where that was either). Well, she took my itinerary away for a few minutes, only to return to tell me that they can't expedite licenses for international flights, as those require a passport. They only do it for domestic flights that don't require a passport. I do wish they'd mentioned that to me when I called and explained my situation.
I did my best to explain that I wouldn't even be at the address on my license after Saturday, and that I need my license to be updated in order to get a AAA International Driving Permit...
The compromise we came to was that, while they can't get me my license before I leave, and they can't mail the new one to Denmark (probably for the best, since they're not sure where it is), they can mail it to my parents. They, in turn, will mail it to Denmark.
Not ideal, but also not a horrible outcome.
So, everything will be updated eventually, and that's just fine by me.